Tuck’s Two Cents- Holiday 2005 Edition

-Yeah, yeah, yeah… lay off me, I’ve been busy checking my list to see who has been naughty and nice throughout 2005. For some, I’ve had to check more than once, to see if any of any of you were even written down. That means almost all of you have been NAUGHTY!!! Whooo-Hoooo!!!

-I thought since we are preparing for the Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day (for all of you Canucks, eh) season, no matter how you celebrate, “Santa T-Daddy” will be looking over the Cottage Coyote Wish List. The list includes some of the Coyotes needs or wants for the upcoming 2006 campaign.

19- Scott Seivert: Call Boner, and Have him deliver this guy an f***ing washer. You ever seen this kid’s uniform? Either that, or find a nice girl that will do it for you. That means you have to put out too, Scotty.

9- Randy Schmidt: See Scott Seivert above, minus the girl thing. He already has one. Get him a hot tub too. He sure likes trying to get people in his mom’s. I didn’t know that someone could get so excited to see my half-naked ass, than our own fearless leader after a few beers at the Nation Meeting.

15- Adam Medlicott: This is one of the toughest ones on the roster, because Meddy is SO needy. I could say numerous things right now, but I think Meddy needs a trip to China for one of those Hindu sabbaticals that Pedro Cerrano took before Major League 2. It bleeped up Pedro, but I think it would do Meds some good. “Cerrano hurt a living creature?” Maybe he will no longer to threaten to eat any future #29’s. Last season, Medlicott put out a bounty on my seed.  He has yet to succeed.

23- Matt Ruben: His pimp card. Matthew Ruben, what has gotten into you?! Or, better yet, who has gotten into you. He comes home, talks all night about “chicks” and “making out with actual girls” at school. (Sorry Mr. And Mrs. Ruben, I still don’t believe it myself) He made out with several women at the Nation Meeting, including attempting to tongue kiss Schmitty’s wife, while playing a shot game in the kitchen. We have many witnesses. I do believe however, he was shot down in numerous attempts to score with Scotty’s sister.

1-Mike Schirra: Number One on top of the program, but not in our hearts (J/K Mikey), needs to find some sort of off the field activity with someone other than Scotty, Schmitty, or Koenig. Preferably someone female to participate, please. PLEASE! I don’t like Crabby Mike. I like Nice Mike, and believe that this is the only way he will be here to stay.

25- Kyle Balder: Piss and Vinegar. Really! I think that the more irritated, and mad Kyle Balder gets, the better he pitches. I should know, I have instigated numerous Kyle Balder premier outings by not shutting up on the bench before his starts. It evens out, as I seem to hit .500 better when he pitches. Stats don’t lie.

6- Cam Balder: The younger brother of Kyle, and second half of the Coyote Rap Stars (Cam’Ron and T-Daddy & The Family). He needs a hotel gift card or something, so he doesn’t buzz out of town every weekend to find his woman in St. Cloud. Get her ass down here, Cam. We love fans, and I can’t rap alone, especially on the weekends. You know, those big crowds!

33- Tom Bonine: Do I even have to say a new nut cup? That, and maybe a calendar. Possibly, 30 schedules to post all over to remind the absent-minded one to get his butt to baseball. Frolicking with the ladies is after, not during baseball games, Tommy. Sorry little Bro.

22- Tim Bonine: Tom’s old nut cup. HA! How about some GOLD BOND NUT POWDER? Buy him some more time too, we need that .400 average in the lineup more next season. I still owe him a windshield (Soderville, 2004, Game Winning RBI..you know.). Merry X-Mas Boner.

34- Jason Kieffer: I am still trying to figure Kieffer out. I do know that he likes older women. That’s about it. What do you get a man who likes older women? A date with Mrs. Santa, while Ol’ Kris Kringle is out and about on top of rooftops on December 24^th. 34 is all about that!

21- Chris Koenig: A $500 Gift Card to a bookie in Vegas, in which he bets on the Cottage Grove Coyotes to finish under .500 in 2006, and the son of a beep loses every bleeping cent! He is then banned from Amateur Baseball for life. Boo-yah! Would it really shock anyone?

16- Peter Cameron: Something nice (for his girlfriend).

45- Andy Larson: A new right arm, a flask of Crown Royal, and Some Advil.

2- Bo Munger: Definitely an Aluminum Bat. Somehow we can deaden the ping in the bat, and allow Munger to use is all season in 2006. MVP in Lincoln.

8- Tony Schult: A Jersey, hat, and socks would be a good place to begin.

12- Joe Steiner: Find him a voice box, or something. Either that, or some Red Bull, or Rockstar to get him to run his mouth a little.

16- Dan Kamrath: A Jake Taylor jersey. Yes, Jake Taylor. And yes, it’s my second reference to Major League in this bit. The old man (what Kammy, 27, 28?) of the squad gave it another hurrah in Lincoln with a bum ankle, and more rust on him than the Tin Man. Yet, he may have coaxed himself that he can still do it a competitive level, after I had to beg him to come down, as I was driving through Iowa, on the way to Nebraska.

11- Conrad LaDoux: Another guy that could buy extra time cards, if they sold such a thing. He’s always got something going on. I’d love to have him around more next season.

All Rookies Receive: Dirty Jock Straps (mine), Tommy’s Chew Spit (in a Mountain Dew can), Scotty’s Sunday Farts (in a Mason Jar), a booger from Schirra (on a game-used lineup card), a game-used Tim Bonine sweat rag (used to be Koenig’s Golf towel), and something off the bottom of Kieffer’s foot, which we believe may be ringworm.

29- Tuck, Me, #29, Nick Tuckner:  I’ll take a ribcage protector, new 1^st baseman’s glove, new left arm, a bat that won’t break, and jersey’s of the following current or past MLB stars: Jamie Moyer, Barry Zito, Terry Mulholland, Wally Joyner, Will Clark, Jarrod Washburn, Carlos Pulido, Allan Anderson, Mike Gonzalez, Zach Duke, Jason Vargas, Frank Tanana, Al Leiter, Scott Kazmir, Casey Fossum, Warren Spahn, Sandy Koufax, Frank Viola, Jim Kaat, or even Steve Carlton. All of which will show up on the Coyote playing field, wearing #29 in 2006.

That’s My Two Cents…

Merry Chrismahanukkwanza to you all!!

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